Jules Older, Ph.D.

PUBLISHED IN: Editor in chief of Ski Press Canada and Ski Press USA. Magazines include Geo; Destinations; Diversion; plus inflight and AAA publications. Leading newspapers in the U.S. and abroad. Also former humor columnist for TWA and commentator on Vermont Public Radio.

SPECIALTIES: Skiing; adventure; food; humor; northern
New England; San Francisco Bay area; New Zealand; Canada; South Florida; the Caribbean and anywhere there’s a hill with snow on it.

BOOKS: Most recent are Backroad & Offroad Biking and Ice Cream. Authored four other books for adults and roughly 25 for children.

AWARDS: Five-time winner of the Harold S. Hirsch Award granted by the North American Snowsports Association for excellence in snowsports writing; the Kroepsch-Maurice Award for Excellence in Teaching from the University of Vermont; New Zealand Psychological Society Award for Contribution of Psychology to New Zealand Society; and co-winner with Effin Older of the 1995 Grand Prize and Best Resort & Travel Production at the International Ski Film Festival. Also named “Good Guy of the Month” by the inmates of New Zealand’s Woman’s Prison.

(415) 775-3334
1769 Broadway #2
San Francisco, CA 94109
» jules@julesolder.com
» www.julesolder.com

San Francisco for Adults

by Jules Older

...where little cable cars
climb halfway to the stars...

Some come for the cable cars, the Golden Gate Bridge and Alcatraz. Others visit San Francisco for more adult attractions. What the Republicans tried manfully to run against in the last US election — “San Francisco values” — is actually a big part of the city’s appeal. And has long been so.

San Francisco is and always was a seaport. Seaport: hordes of young guys who have been at sea too long and with dollars burning holes in their pockets. San Francisco was the landing point for the 49ers — the gold miners, not the local American football team. San Francisco attracts conventioneers by the thousands, dotcommers by the thousand$.

As a result, whores and hustlers, gamblers and gangsters, strippers and shanghaiers have enjoyed a long and rich tradition in the City by the Bay. More recently, but no less colourfully, so have gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgendereds and undecideds, all of whom come here for the acceptance that is at the heart of San Francisco values… as well as for the chance to meet other other-gendered folks.

Since the anti-San Francisco campaign didn’t work so well for the Republicans, and since San Francisco has been voted the country’s favourite city by Condé Nast Traveler readers every year for the past 14 years, it’s safe to say that a lot of folks come here for something more than cable cars.

So, if you're an adult visiting San Francisco, let me introduce you to some stops you might want to add to your itinerary. Starting, innocently enough, with Sunday brunch.

Ah, but brunch in San Francisco may be a wee bit different from the last time you took Mum brunching on Mother’s Day. This one is called Sunday’s a Drag. It’s in a 1930’s-style supper club called Harry Denton’s Starlight Room, on the 21st floor of the Sir Francis Drake Hotel. The room, the setting, the atmosphere are all drag-queen elegant: cut-glass chandeliers, major mirrors, bronze ceilings, too-sweet drinks and spectacular views of Union Square. The hostesses are all tall, thin, attractive young women in black, body-hugging, full-length dresses. More on the plight of San Francisco’s tall women, below.

The brunch, itself, is hotel-standard: pretty good, if a bit under-seasoned. But never mind — you're not here for the food. Who’s here with you? Locals and tourists. Gays and straights. Birthday boys and anniversary couples. Singles and families, teens and elders — in short, somebody just like you.

On a recent Sunday, four performers strutted their stuff: Donna Sachet, Kendra Monroe, Lady Tia and Cassandra Cass. Donna – a San Francisco fixture who’s been around the block a few times — is the emcee. She handles the crowd with consummate skill, teasing the rubes but never ridiculing them. Kendra appears as Superwoman — big, bold and kinda scary. Lady Tia — well, she fooled me. During her first act, she was all Donna Summers; in her next, pure Whitney Houston. As for Cassandra, I'm here to say that I saw a lot of Cassandra — a lot. She's a triumphal monument to modern surgery, a dancing definition of trompe d’oeil.

The crowd loved it, and if you're up for gender bending on a Sunday morn, odds are you will too. Oh, and about those tall women. In San Francisco, being a tall woman is not entirely enviable. There are so many Stephanies who began life as Stephens in this town that dating becomes first and foremost the establishment of bona fides — this tall woman really is a woman, no surgeons involved.

For a trip into the heart of the tall woman’s dilemma, plan a dinner at AsiaSF. You'll soon know you're not in Timaru any more. The small-plate dinner is surprisingly tasty, and even more surprising, reasonably priced. On its own, it’s good enough to draw a crowd in a city crowded with restaurants. But, here too, the main attraction isn't the food — it’s entertainment.

I took an out-of-town friend to AsiaSF. That was a year ago, and he still gets nervous when he sees a tall, attractive woman on the street. The fool-the-eye waiter/waitresses are so, so… did you ever watch a magician from so close you'd definitely be able to see how he performed his tricks — only you couldn’t? That’s AsiaSF. And after dinner, when the waitresses sashay up and onto the bar and start their oh-so seductive lip-syncing and dancing, you know you're in the presence of real magicians, San Francisco-style.

OK, we've done brunch, had our dinner — now, let’s go running. San Francisco style. Running — doesn't that sound clean and healthy and innocent? Give yourself two out of three; innocent, it’s not. For some reason, every San Francisco run or walk that I've seen involves public nudity. A whole lot of public nudity.

Take, for example, the city’s biggest public athletic event, the Bay to Breakers 12K. Starting down by the San Francisco Bay, many of the world’s premier runners race through the city streets then through Golden Gate Park, crossing the finish line within sight of the Pacific Ocean. Big cash prizes, international publicity, no nudity.

But just behind the premiers come some 65,000 others: running, walking, jogging, dancing or pushing floats over the same course. Many are in costume. Many are not. Let’s just say that I haven't seen so many naked guys since high school gym. There are naked gals, too, just not as many. Here's the costumed-to-bare ratio: for every Elvis, pope, devil, penguin, witch, Jesus or Bush, there's at least one guy dressed in nothing but tennis shoes and a ring. Not on his finger.

The most telling thing is that this is not some latter-day, Homosexual Agenda’d, San Francisco-values event. Bay to Breakers has been going since 1912, when it was founded to help raise the spirits of a city that had been largely razed by the 1906 earthquake. That year there were 250 participants. Today, the 65,000 include kids in strollers, Lycra’d health clubbers, beer-toting college students, smiling grannies and grandpas. Bay to Breakers — it’s San Francisco to the core. To the skin.

And though it’s pretty outrageous compared to races in, say, Auckland, by San Francisco standards, Bay to Breakers is actually fairly tame. For the untame, you've got to attend the Folsom Street Fair.

A street fair — is there anything homier and sweeter than a street fair? Face-painting booths, homemade pies, kids in strollers… uh, no. Not on Folsom Street. Instead, expect to see:
· A hundred guys in tight, black, leather pants with the rear end cut out.
· A dozen or so master/mistress-slave combos. In some, the slave has a bit in his/her mouth; others are on dog leashes.
· Despite the “Nudity is illegal” sign at the gate, a major helping of naked skin.
· Men and women getting themselves whipped, flogged and otherwise tortured in full view of the saucer-eyed throng.
· Barely dressed women trussed and suspended upside-down by ropes. More saucers.
And not a homemade pie in sight.

But if I didn’t bring home a pie, I brought three thoughts:

One. Wild as the Folsom Street Fair is, many events in San Francisco are occasions to cross-dress or undress. Even Easter Sunday in the Castro district is much more about cross-dressing than about holy worship.

Two. As America gets more and more religious and conservative, San Francisco gets more wild and crazy. Still, I noticed that nobody got hurt by the wildness (except for those volunteering for a flogging). From the cops on foot patrol to the bored-looking Vietnamese food vendors, San Franciscans pretty much take Folsom Street in stride. Enjoy the weirdness but hate the whipping? Look away. Seeing more male body parts than you care to? Look up. Don’t want to buy a “quality whip?” Keep your hands off your Visa card.

And three. At the same time this way-out-there annual event was in its final planning stages, San Francisco was still trying to decide if a ski jump in a wealthy neighborhood — my neighborhood, as it happens — constituted too much of a risk to residents and a menace to society to be allowed a permit. You gotta admire a city with priorities like that. It’s why San Franciscans roll their eyes and sigh — as nearly everyone does here — “Only in San Francisco!”

Still, Folsom Street seems a little too rough a note to end on. For something closer to normal, let me recommend — to highly recommend — Beach Blanket Babylon. It’s a long-running, wildly popular San Francisco musical revue. How long-running? The longest running musical review in theatre history. How popular? Popular enough that the city renamed the theatre’s street, Beach Blanket Babylon Boulevard.

Whatever your expectations, Beach Blanket Babylon will exceed them. The singing is nothing short of stupendous. The pace is full-steam-ahead. The laughs start about ten seconds after the curtain raises and keep coming through the last curtain call. And though you can safely take the kids, it’s as good an introduction to San Francisco for adults as you'll find.

INFO TO GO sidebar:
FoMoInfo on all aspects of San Francisco attractions, go to www.onlyinsanfrancisco.com. For the attractions I've talked about, go to:
www.asiasf.com, (415) 255-2742
www.ingbaytobreakers.com
www.folsomstreetfair.com
www.beachblanketbabylon.com, (415) 421-4222